God-willing

Have I mentioned before that I'm still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up?  Maybe a better way to say that would be that I'm now grown up and trying to figure out HOW to do what I want to be!!  I am a college drop out.  I got married young.  I have been pregnant for most of the past thirteen years.  In the eyes and mind of many, I put the cart before the horse and now I'm paying the price.  I am reading a book that has an excellent excellent quote that I've been thinking about for several days, "It seems as many of us grow older, we come to find out which passions faded away because they were birthed out of our humanity, while what has remained may be a confirmation that it was birthed within our spirits". (from Writings From Outside the Camp by Fred London)  Its so true.  I can't imagine what I must have been thinking as an 18 year old graduating from high school.  Its no wonder I quit college!  If I wonder now about my life, my gifts, my callings at 34 years old, how much more clueless was I then?  Thankfully, as I have grown older I have discovered more about myself.  The problem now is how to make it happen while caring for a young family who need my devotion of time and attention.  I have recently enrolled in school to finish my basic degree that I started fifteen years ago, and God-willing I will finish this time in about a year.   Beyond that I want to study midwifery.  I dream of being stealthy and strong like the Hebrew midwives.  I imagine catching babies in mud huts in West Africa and on thatch floors in southeast Asia.  I follow a blog:  midwife4jesus.blogspot.com that I often have to stop reading for the weight of compassion and prayer I feel for this woman.  It makes me dizzy trying to figure out how this will happen.  Part of the problem is that I lack patience.   I am resolving (or at least attempting to resolve) to rest and to be all here-- where I am right now...to be a faithful and present mother to my children, and in time I believe these other dreams will work themselves out.  God-willing.